Lessons in Lizard Birthing If you have raised kids {or been one}, and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish. Overview: I had to take my son and his lizard to the vet. Here is what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He is just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I am serious, dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer face on and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we did not want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. {Actually, I think she said this sarcastically!} "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, {in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together}. "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it is just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. {Again with sarcasm.} By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience." I announced. "We are about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, THAT is just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really think she was being snotty here too.) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We do not appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It is breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Maybe we should get Ernie to the vet," I said. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage on his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I do not think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God sake.) The vet took Ernie to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Simmons, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that is not EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And, occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, Mr. Simmons, you know what I am saying." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie is just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What is so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Now, tears from laughter were running down her face. Laughing, she said. "I am picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ." As she gasped for more air, I interrupted, "That is enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie is really thankful for what you have done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea." my wife agreed before she collapsed with laughter. 2 Lizards ~ $140.00 1 Cage ~ $50.00 Trip to the vet ~ $30.00 Memory of your husband pulling on the winkie of a lizard ~ Priceless! Moral of the story ~ finish biology class ~ lizards lay eggs! Your message will appear here.